Introducing the Pee Pee Pincher 3000
A precision-machined, Bluetooth-enabled, chrome-plated clothespin for the one move that never needed technology. It only ever pinches Lil' Pee Pee, our cartoon test subject. He's thrilled about it.
PP-3000 shown larger than actual size. A computer-generated render of a product that does not exist. *Not actually seen on late-night TV.
Meet the test subject
Go on, pinch his tip. He's into it. (He is a cartoon hot dog. Everything is fine.)
The hardware
Twin chrome jawsPinchCore™ chipLED Intensity dial
What's in the box
Tech specs (all invented)
Engineered by instinct
From thought to pinch in under 0.2 seconds. No loading screen. No terms of service. Just vibes.
No battery, no Bluetooth, no app asking for your location. Works on planes, in elevators and during long meetings.
Field-tested after cold showers, lake swims and the moment you step out of the pool. Especially then.
Pairs seamlessly with the classic pocket adjust. Nobody knows. Everybody knows. Nobody says anything.
Pinch once. Pinch again. Our proprietary Re-Pinch™ technology has no daily cap and no cooldown.
Two-point contact. Gentle, firm, done. A move so simple it took humanity only a few hundred thousand years to perfect.
Our team of zero scientists spent no time in no lab to bring you these completely invented numbers.
Measured in Vibes (Vb), a unit we invented just now.
*Every number on this page is fake. PP Pinch is a joke, not a product, and makes no medical or scientific claims whatsoever.
Interactive demo
PP-3000 simulator · test subject: Lil' Pee Pee
Can't pinch right now? You're in a meeting, we get it. Use the official simulator. Tap fast for combos. Don't hit the limiter. (Hit the limiter.)
Order in the next ∞ minutes and we'll also throw in absolutely nothing, because there is nothing to order. But if there were, you'd get:
A plush companion. Does not exist. Still cuddly in spirit.
For pinching on the go. Says "sunglasses" on the outside. Nobody will know.
"Pinch Like a Pro" with a man in a headband shouting encouragement at a hot dog.
A value of: priceless. Because it is not for sale. Operators are not standing by.
"I used to pinch manually, like some kind of caveman. Now? I just turn the dial to Turbo and let the future happen."
"My husband tried Ludicrous mode once. He has not stopped smiling. It's been three weeks. Please help."
"As a professional hot dog, I can confirm: it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Pinch pinch pinch!"
Testimonials are fictional. Doug, Linda and the hot dog do not exist.
Mini-game
Pinch every tip that pops up. Chain fast pinches for combo multipliers, grab the golden ones for +5, and don't pinch thin air. Your rank is final. Your dignity is optional.
What people are saying
"I've been doing it for 30 years and never once thought it deserved a website. I was wrong. I'm emotional."
"He does it every single time he stands up from the couch. Every. Time. One star off for that."
"The post-leg-day pinch hits different. Don't ask me to explain. I won't."
"In my clinical opinion, it is a little treat. I will be publishing this opinion in a journal I just started."
"Did one on the first tee. Shot the best round of my life. Correlation? Causation? Who's to say."
"I asked my dad about it and he just nodded slowly and left the room. Three stars, would ask again."
All testimonials are from obviously fictional people. Any resemblance to your uncle is a coincidence.
Compare
| Feature | PP Pinch | Not pinching |
|---|---|---|
| Instant satisfaction | Yes | Lingering "something's off" |
| Hands required | One. Two fingers, really. | None, sadly |
| Subscription | Free forever | Also free, but at what cost |
| Firmware updates | Never | Never |
| Socially acceptable at weddings | With discretion | Yes, but you'll be thinking about it |
Order
Price: TBA (it's a parody, so: never). Ships: Coming Soon. Compatible with: one cartoon hot dog.
Nothing is for sale. There is no checkout. "Notify me" just opens an email to hello@pppinch.com; we don't collect anything on this page.
FAQ
No. There is nothing to buy, download, subscribe to or pre-order. It's a joke website about a thing guys do. That's it. That's the whole company.
Science has no idea, and science has asked us to stop calling. Our best guess: it's the same reason popping bubble wrap is fun. Some things just click.
Coming Soon™. Specifically: never. It is a joke product, the renders are computer-generated, and there is nothing to buy. Lil' Pee Pee remains available for free, unlimited, entirely cartoon pinching above.
Statistically, the weird thing would be not doing it.* (*This statistic is also made up.)
Discretion is the better part of valor. Our design team recommends the patented Casual Pocket Adjust™: eyes forward, neutral expression, and absolutely no eye contact with anyone named Brenda.
There's an app for everything. This is not one of those things. Please put your phone down and live in the moment.
Lifetime. Yours, specifically. Coverage is non-transferable and, frankly, we don't want to know how you'd transfer it.
Close this website and see a real doctor. We are a joke page with a gradient. We are not qualified to give advice about anything, including gradients.
The infomercial · 3:07 AM
Dramatization. Results not typical. The product does not exist. Sound follows your 🔊 and ♫ toggles.